Killin' yourself to find a man that will kill for you.

One of the reasons I started this blog was because sometimes I have these overwhelming feelings that remind me of how I felt at sixteen. I still feel like I don't know what the hell I am doing -  career, education, and friends wise. And I am almost positive you are all reading telling me that I am being too hard on myself. But that's how I feel. After four years of college, a few internships, some research and a few jobs later - I feel like I am standing in the same place I was before. 

Now, I will clarify that there are plenty of things I would love to tell my sixteen year old self. Some would include...

It gets better. It gets so much better, no matter what you are feeling.
Music doesn't getting any good after high school.
Taking Back Sunday will always answer any question you may have.
Good friends are hard to come by, so keep the ones you have.
Life after college is a lot worse than applying, getting in and going through finals. You'll pull through it though.
You'll have a minor addiction to caffeine.
Your best friend will always be a phone call and a plane ride away.

And the list goes on.

But I think it's more important to jump to the point I am trying to make here. I still feel the same way I did back then about boys. They leave me in a constant state of confusion. Is that normal? Is everyone as confused as I am about the opposite sex? Maybe, it's why I have a deep love of masculinity. I just want to understand. I just want someone to explain it to me. 

I say this because I always refer back to my 16 year old self for coping skills. Enter a collection of songs from Brand New, Spill Canvas, some Dashboard Confessional, Amberlin, Paramore, Fall Out Boy and no collection would ever be complete without Taking Back Sunday's first album - Tell All Your Friends. I write sometimes, to no one in particular. Just to try to uncloud my thoughts. My relationship with the opposite sex has changed in some ways from when I was sixteen but in many ways it hasn't. I still feel as though I am not enough. I still have a hard time putting myself out there. And I still have a hard time facing rejection. I know that many people don't face rejection all that well, but I would have thought by now my coping skills would have grown. Last night, I spent the night on the phone with a male best friend of mine talking about how delusional I felt because I thought maybe there was something between me and a prospect but after some details I don't want to go into depth with (in case anyone hasn't noticed, I try to give my friends the anonymity they deserve. This is my space. I don't want to compromise their privacy in any way),  I knew he was no longer a prospect. I sat on my bedroom floor with a pillow, blanket, my cat and rambled to my guy friend. While I was half expecting him to tell me I was an idiot and that I was delusional - he told me to spend my night grieving and that the "kid is a clown". And that I didn't do anything particularly wrong - I should just cut my losses and move on to the next one. We got off the phone and I continued to lay there listening to the Backstreet Boys wondering what the hell I did wrong. Then I got the idea for this post and I wondered why do I always feel this way? Why do I feel the exact way I did at sixteen? Why do I always let myself mourn? Why do I cope through this old process? And do others go through this same process?

Here's a funny story - many people do not know this about me. Any one of my best friends will tell you Taking Back Sunday is my favorite band. I started listening to them over a boy. That's right folks, a boy! A real live boy. This boy I liked told me about them because they were his favorite band. I immediately downloaded their album and memorized all the words. While I don't pretend or try to like something on account of a boy liking me, sometimes I feel that same way I did back then. What do I have to do to become noticed? 23 year old me "researches" a lot. And I put that in quotations because my research includes a series of Google searches, and a Facebook creeping session. I usually take that information throw it into Spokeo - and 25 minutes later, I have found his family, his income, his location, and pictures of his last five girlfriends. It's not my fault people, it technology that makes so easy. Not to mention, you can't be sure about anyone anymore. But I digress.

As I sat there and wondered what I did wrong and why boys make me act like I am sixteen again, I decided that I didn't need to mourn. Why do I need a mourning period? There was nothing between me and this prospect. Why do I need to drive myself crazy? So I picked myself up and I changed my iTunes and decided to write about it instead. I love myself. I have flaws. But I am funny and have a lot going on in my life. And I understand and I am not afraid to admit that I don't know a damn thing about  men, but I do know that I have to work on how I cope. I have to face rejection. I have to keep picking myself up.


Does anyone else ever feel this way?
And I will never stop the Google searches. They are just too damn important.