2013
I am so glad 2013 is over. Most of the
readers here know what a year I have had.
I think I can officially say I hated 2013. But I can say that I did
learn more about my friends, family and myself than in any other year. You
might think I am being dramatic but when I look back at my year in a glance – I
am pretty impressed at how I handled things. Believe me, no one is filled with
more disappointment than me at 2013. But I did manage to finally leave
Colleen’s, strengthen my relationship with my friends, build a better tie with
my family, move out of my childhood home, get a grown up job, lose a grow up
job, have surgery for the first time in my life (and then five times after
that) and managed to have a smile across my face most of the time. I say most
because there was plenty of me kicking and screaming and having meltdowns. But
I digress.
Friends
I think initially I was really scared of my
friends not being at the other end when I was in the hospital, having nurses or
being attached to a wound vac. And it’s not because they are awful people but
because they deserve more than to be bogged down by my problems. I missed
Birthday party celebrations and holiday parties. I missed chances for wild
nights out and trips back to UMass. But what I learned in return is the amazing
support system I had. I’ve never felt more welcomed or loved than the Get-Well
wishes, packages and visits I received. As someone who has always felt alone –
I never felt more like I was a part of something and for me? That meant everything.
I was also able to rekindle some high school friendships. It is nice knowing
people are still there. This also marked the first time a best friend of mine
entered a relationship and I didn’t become chopped liver. Maybe it is a sign of
growing older, but it is comforting knowing our duo hasn’t changed. Sometimes
it’s a trio and for the most part that’s okay. I think I’ve learned that these
people in my life aren’t really going anywhere. We fight, argue, dance, laugh,
and gossip but at the end of the day – they are the best group of people
around. They are here to stay for a while. And I don’t mind.
Family
I haven’t also been very close with my
family. Not in a bad way. Mostly because I never really felt like they
understood me. I come from a pretty loud family and this past year they really
caught me when I fell. My mother graciously has put on her nurse hat and dealt
with many of my disgusting and annoying dressing changes. I have been able to
bond with my dad – who tells me stories of the ‘70s. I have found that I posses
many of the same qualities that they have. Moving out of my childhood home left
me sad but was ultimately the best decision we made as a family because we had
the ability to live across the street from my aunt and uncle. December 2013 brought
a loss for the first time in my lifetime on the family. We lost my uncle and
just as I was really getting to know him and getting to hear all the great
stories. Living across the street from him for the past six months really
changed my relationship with him for the good. And has deepened my relationship
with my aunt. I encourage everyone to know the older generation in your family.
They have lived through some of the most interesting parts of history. They
have stories to tell. I learned about loss as well. It is amazing how good
family feels during sadness. And how remarkable friends quickly turn into
family. I know mine have. They have been a great comfort.
Myself
I did write an introduction. I plan on
expanding it because in 2013 I learned about all the layers in my life that
brought me to this point. I’ll start with education. I miss school. I love
being in a classroom. Even if it’s training for a job, I genuinely love to
learn and hope my career path takes me back in front of a classroom. I miss
discussing feminism on a daily basis, and I miss the readings that went along
with it. Not many people can tell you they miss feminist thought. I miss the
challenges, the writing and the thinking. My hope is to discuss home of my
feminist thought here, so stay tuned. Career wise, I learned I want to be
professor. I really do. Feminism and American popular culture are my passions –
they are what drive me and nothing is more exciting then finding out what you
love in life.
I got sad for a while from being sick, not
working, and not contributing in life. My self-esteem and confidence greatly
were hurt. And right now I have the building blocks to reconstruct it but I
know it is going to take awhile. I understand I am at level zero, it’s okay for
me to be upset and frustrated. But it is not okay for me to think these things
will never grow again, that I will not come back to my old self again because I
know I will. I feel it in me everyday. And I know I am constantly growing. I
have a great support system and I am finding the more I spend time with myself
the better I am. I cannot be mad and angry at my body – it was out of my hands.
And let me tell you – it took me a year to realize that. And it might take
another few years to rebuild my confidence and self-esteem, but I am chipping
away at it and that’s all that matters.
Leaving my job at Colleen’s was one of the
biggest things I have ever done. It might have been for a real shitty reason
but I grew from it. I never had any one talk to me like the way she did on the
phone that day and for the first time a long time, I stood up for myself and it
felt so right. The friends I met there I talk to almost everyday. They are some
of the best people you will ever meet and I am thankful every day for meeting
them but leaving a place I felt so safe is just not like me. But it landed me a
job in Boston, where I met even more great people with fascinating stories and
wonderful personalities. I am glad I stepped out of my comfort zone and stood
up for myself. I at the time wasn’t sure but I know now, it was the right
decision for me.
Resolutions
I usually try not to make resolutions because
I seldom keep them. But 2014 I am committed to finding my best self and to
bring myself happiness. A friend told me yesterday her goal was to “rid of
everything that doesn’t serve me happiness”. She couldn’t be more right. This
even includes my health. After spending 8 days at Boston Medical Center, I don’t
want to be back in the hospital for any reason.While I am taking this journey I
invite you to come along with me. I plan on writing about it here. And I hope that’s okay.
Happy 2014! I couldn’t have been happier to
see 2013 go!
PS. Feel free to comment or send feedback on
your 2013 and what you’re looking for in 2014.
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