Its 10:15pm on a Friday night, and I can’t move out of
this bed because I am in pain. Sometimes it’s because of my tail bone but
sometimes it’s because my mind takes over and I cant move out of bed because
mentally I am in so much pain. Sometimes it takes days, sometimes it takes a
few hours – but many people do not understand the sense of pain I feel,
especially mentally. I have never harmed myself or even thought of harming
myself but I am writing to let you know that depression lies. It lies. And sometimes it is really
hard decipher between what the truth is and what a lie is. It’s so incredibly
hard. I haven’t written in quite some time because I have been battling my mind
in a lot of ways. Writing,which has always given me a sense of comfort, wasn’t
any more and I decided to seek treatment from a therapist. Someone I see
weekly, who helps me read between the lies, see the light in the darkest of
times, and confess how long this has been building up inside of me.
I am dramatic. It’s my nature. I think it’s
genetic. I come from a long line of dramatic people, in fact almost every one I
know is dramatic. But my dramatic nature is enriched by a long list of lies and
anxiety to feed them. They don’t
just swirl around in my head. Its constant wheel of lies that is constantly moving. It’s
exhausting. I don’t talk about it until it gets really bad. Sometimes I blame
it on my sickness, but other I times I chose to explain my behavior because of
my depression and anxiety. I have to explain why I can’t go to class today,
why I can't go to the bar for drinks, why I can’t seem to pick myself out of bed
in the morning, afternoon, or at night. I have an overwhelming sense of feeling
alone most days. So I think positive because otherwise the negative will
consume me. I write so I can sort through the lies. I laugh so I won’t cry. And
I sleep because it is tiring to always combat the negative, it is tiring to
smile and it is tiring to trying to get out of bed.
But I try to remember it’s all a lie. I am
alive. Sometimes I get so wrapped up in fighting my own battle I seclude myself
and that makes it even more unbearable. But I am alive. And that this is a
battle that I will overcome. It doesn’t define who I am, but it is a part of
me. For those of you battle
depression and anxiety – I am reaching out to you. You are not alone. If you
know someone who is fighting depression and anxiety – reach out to them. Tell them you love them when you can. And try to understand the battle they have to fight
everyday.
