Here We Go Again...

Tonight I saw someone who was once a friend of mine 10 years ago. The meeting was easily describe as sufficiently awkward. I sipped on my beer, wanting to duck and hide. Panic flew over my body as I smiled and said a quick Hi. What I didn't expect was the after part. In ten years, things have changed. My personality. My job. Where I live. Who I spend my time with and the list runs on and on. I went home afterwards and was disspointed in myself for not saying all the words I dreamed about saying for years on end. I turned out my light got into bed and it hit me as I sat in my pajamas. I was okay. I was better than okay. I was in a great place in my life and my relationship with Tim that I so desperately didn't want to mimic that of Matt's, was different. They were different people in different times in my life. I wasn't making the same mistakes. I had learned.

I'll find my words when there's no one talking

I can’t believe the summer is almost over. While most are sad to see the season come to an end. I am looking forward to the fall. Most of you don’t know this about me, but there is something about the Fall that makes me celebrate. It’s how I observe a new year. I find comfort in the brisk cool air and the leaves changing colors. As someone who’s never been a fan of ‘change’ –I just find great comfort in watching the leaves change from green to red to flying off the trees. It’s a cycle that is so predictable in its unpredictability.

I did it again. I turned on my computer and allowed myself to feel like I would at sixteen: misunderstood and alone. But before you start to think this is a pity party – don’t – I am about to explain. I miss being surrounded by feminists all the time. Many of you know, I not only identify with feminism but I also try to live a feminist lifestyle.  The problem is I look around and while amazing women surround me – I miss my friends who understand that major part of my life. It’s the same feeling I felt before I identified with feminism –am I the only one out there that thinks like this? Only this questions is answered with, “ No, but your feminist friends are busy right now, and will get back to you as soon as possible”.

I miss my world of Women's Studies. Enter a group of women who are so incredibly special. Some eco-feminists, and vegans, some who are getting MSWs and working in the field. Some who are single, some who are married. Women who are trans, who are gay but mostly what you will find is a collection of women who are so empowered. Being around these women changes you-for the better. They are the hope the world needs. They are the helping hands. They are the backbone of any movement.

My dreams have always been different then everyone else's. At 14, I wanted to be a Senator for Massachusetts, at 16 it changed to President of the United States, and by the time I graduated college, I wanted to change the world. I always knew law would be where I ended up. It has been my dream for as long as I can remember and Women's studies allowed me to take my dream and my passions and find an end result. Enter in classes filled with Reproductive Rights, Legal Rights of Women, and Family Law. Readings that are filled we deconstructing ideas about society. Learning about tragedies that never make the local news. You may see a young adult who has changed her career path a few times, but I see a woman who's embraced her leadership skills and passions for humanity. I see myself as a strong woman who can bring forth a better community, and a better world for tomorrow. So why is it I feel incredibly alone in many other aspects of my life? Or so misunderstood?

Maybe it is because my dreams and ideas are so different. I want a lifetime of helping others and doing my best to help seek change in the world. I want a nice home and to be well-traveled. So why do I feel as though everyone around me is more concerned about me finding someone to share my life with? I recently joined Match.com with a friend. The results? Have been terrible. There should be a dating website for feminists because there has to be an easier way than this. Its incredibly challenging explaining to someone my fame of mind especially when personally, I don't care if I find someone. What I care about is scoring high enough on my LSAT to get into Northeastern University School of Law. Is this selfish? Is this weird at 24? Am I supposed to want what everyone else wants - a career, a house, children and a husband? I think I am most afraid that all of those things don't matter to me and I am not sure when they will. Maybe later on in my life but maybe not - and I am okay with that. I am okay that my life may be untraditional.

I'm not sure why it is easier to explain this to my feminist friends. I don't think my ideas are necessarily "feminist" but I think they've seen me hands on with my passions. They've discussed, they've asked the tough questions, they've witnessed it. Sometimes it's so nerve racking to explain to my friends or even my family. Admitting that I am different just makes me feel like a girl in high school trying to fit in but knowing deep inside - I'm not like everyone else. Sometimes I really do stop and ask myself what my age is. I'm 24. I am empowered. I am a leader. I am smart. I am going to handle anything that life throws at me. So tell me why I again, it's so hard to defend my dreams? I am working on it. I am working on being more open about the aspirations I have for myself.

The Best Part of Believe is The Lie...

Its 10:15pm on a Friday night, and I can’t move out of this bed because I am in pain. Sometimes it’s because of my tail bone but sometimes it’s because my mind takes over and I cant move out of bed because mentally I am in so much pain. Sometimes it takes days, sometimes it takes a few hours – but many people do not understand the sense of pain I feel, especially mentally. I have never harmed myself or even thought of harming myself but I am writing to let you know that depression lies. It lies. And sometimes it is really hard decipher between what the truth is and what a lie is. It’s so incredibly hard. I haven’t written in quite some time because I have been battling my mind in a lot of ways. Writing,which has always given me a sense of comfort, wasn’t any more and I decided to seek treatment from a therapist. Someone I see weekly, who helps me read between the lies, see the light in the darkest of times, and confess how long this has been building up inside of me.

I am dramatic. It’s my nature. I think it’s genetic. I come from a long line of dramatic people, in fact almost every one I know is dramatic. But my dramatic nature is enriched by a long list of lies and anxiety to feed them.  They don’t just swirl around in my head. Its constant wheel of lies that is constantly moving. It’s exhausting. I don’t talk about it until it gets really bad. Sometimes I blame it on my sickness, but other I times I chose to explain my behavior because of my depression and anxiety. I have to explain why I can’t go to class today, why I can't go to the bar for drinks, why I can’t seem to pick myself out of bed in the morning, afternoon, or at night. I have an overwhelming sense of feeling alone most days. So I think positive because otherwise the negative will consume me. I write so I can sort through the lies. I laugh so I won’t cry. And I sleep because it is tiring to always combat the negative, it is tiring to smile and it is tiring to trying to get out of bed.

But I try to remember it’s all a lie. I am alive. Sometimes I get so wrapped up in fighting my own battle I seclude myself and that makes it even more unbearable. But I am alive. And that this is a battle that I will overcome. It doesn’t define who I am, but it is a part of me.  For those of you battle depression and anxiety – I am reaching out to you. You are not alone. If you know someone who is fighting depression and anxiety – reach out to them. Tell them you love them when you can. And try to understand the battle they have to fight everyday. 

Killin' yourself to find a man that will kill for you.

One of the reasons I started this blog was because sometimes I have these overwhelming feelings that remind me of how I felt at sixteen. I still feel like I don't know what the hell I am doing -  career, education, and friends wise. And I am almost positive you are all reading telling me that I am being too hard on myself. But that's how I feel. After four years of college, a few internships, some research and a few jobs later - I feel like I am standing in the same place I was before. 

Now, I will clarify that there are plenty of things I would love to tell my sixteen year old self. Some would include...

It gets better. It gets so much better, no matter what you are feeling.
Music doesn't getting any good after high school.
Taking Back Sunday will always answer any question you may have.
Good friends are hard to come by, so keep the ones you have.
Life after college is a lot worse than applying, getting in and going through finals. You'll pull through it though.
You'll have a minor addiction to caffeine.
Your best friend will always be a phone call and a plane ride away.

And the list goes on.

But I think it's more important to jump to the point I am trying to make here. I still feel the same way I did back then about boys. They leave me in a constant state of confusion. Is that normal? Is everyone as confused as I am about the opposite sex? Maybe, it's why I have a deep love of masculinity. I just want to understand. I just want someone to explain it to me. 

I say this because I always refer back to my 16 year old self for coping skills. Enter a collection of songs from Brand New, Spill Canvas, some Dashboard Confessional, Amberlin, Paramore, Fall Out Boy and no collection would ever be complete without Taking Back Sunday's first album - Tell All Your Friends. I write sometimes, to no one in particular. Just to try to uncloud my thoughts. My relationship with the opposite sex has changed in some ways from when I was sixteen but in many ways it hasn't. I still feel as though I am not enough. I still have a hard time putting myself out there. And I still have a hard time facing rejection. I know that many people don't face rejection all that well, but I would have thought by now my coping skills would have grown. Last night, I spent the night on the phone with a male best friend of mine talking about how delusional I felt because I thought maybe there was something between me and a prospect but after some details I don't want to go into depth with (in case anyone hasn't noticed, I try to give my friends the anonymity they deserve. This is my space. I don't want to compromise their privacy in any way),  I knew he was no longer a prospect. I sat on my bedroom floor with a pillow, blanket, my cat and rambled to my guy friend. While I was half expecting him to tell me I was an idiot and that I was delusional - he told me to spend my night grieving and that the "kid is a clown". And that I didn't do anything particularly wrong - I should just cut my losses and move on to the next one. We got off the phone and I continued to lay there listening to the Backstreet Boys wondering what the hell I did wrong. Then I got the idea for this post and I wondered why do I always feel this way? Why do I feel the exact way I did at sixteen? Why do I always let myself mourn? Why do I cope through this old process? And do others go through this same process?

Here's a funny story - many people do not know this about me. Any one of my best friends will tell you Taking Back Sunday is my favorite band. I started listening to them over a boy. That's right folks, a boy! A real live boy. This boy I liked told me about them because they were his favorite band. I immediately downloaded their album and memorized all the words. While I don't pretend or try to like something on account of a boy liking me, sometimes I feel that same way I did back then. What do I have to do to become noticed? 23 year old me "researches" a lot. And I put that in quotations because my research includes a series of Google searches, and a Facebook creeping session. I usually take that information throw it into Spokeo - and 25 minutes later, I have found his family, his income, his location, and pictures of his last five girlfriends. It's not my fault people, it technology that makes so easy. Not to mention, you can't be sure about anyone anymore. But I digress.

As I sat there and wondered what I did wrong and why boys make me act like I am sixteen again, I decided that I didn't need to mourn. Why do I need a mourning period? There was nothing between me and this prospect. Why do I need to drive myself crazy? So I picked myself up and I changed my iTunes and decided to write about it instead. I love myself. I have flaws. But I am funny and have a lot going on in my life. And I understand and I am not afraid to admit that I don't know a damn thing about  men, but I do know that I have to work on how I cope. I have to face rejection. I have to keep picking myself up.


Does anyone else ever feel this way?
And I will never stop the Google searches. They are just too damn important.

We Are Family, I Got All My Sisters With Me

“What is family? They were the people who claimed you. In good, in bad, in parts or in whole, they were the ones who showed up, who stayed in there, regardless. It wasn't just about blood relations or shared chromosomes, but something wider, bigger. We had many families over time. Our family of origin, the family we created, and the groups you moved through while all of this was happening: friends, lovers, sometimes even strangers. None of them perfect, and we couldn't expect them to be. You can't make any one person your world. The trick was to take what each could give you and build your world from it.” – Sarah Dessen

I have been blessed enough that I have many different families. My biological family that I eat at the dinner table and share a last name with. The family I spend or have spent forty hours a week with working. Whether it was scooping ice cream or sitting in the back of a training room, they too have become family. But more importantly, I have created a family of friends. They are the ones who pick me up when I am lost, listen when I am sad, feed me, and have helped to shape me into the woman I am today. This means whether I met you three months ago, or three years ago – these people are incredibly important to me. Middle school, high school, college, Post College, UMass, or from work – all of you are unique individuals who inspire me to grow every day. Friends are family you chose, and I have to say I have the best sistahs in town.

My best friend and I always talk about a Sarah Dessen quote, “Life is an awful, ugly place to not have a best friend”. And when you think about it, it’s so true. There’s nothing better than having a best friend around. I have been lucky enough that mine isn’t going anywhere. And I? Ha. She’s so stuck me. She has now been in a relationship for about a year. I have to say; I think it brought us closer together. We don’t fight. Usually she’ll be like you’re being dramatic, and I’ll quit it. Or I’ll tell her how I am feeling. And instead it turns into this apologize fest because we don’t fight. Ever. I can’t count one time. And it’s really amazing knowing you always have one person in your corner. The president of my fan club, my number one fan, and my cheerleader – she has the hardest job. But I can’t imagine where I would be without having one person I know I can always count on.  And I know that no matter what happens, what choices she makes or how far apart we may live – I’m her number one fan too, her best friend.

The list of friends that come after my best friend are compiled of old co-workers, UMB friends, UMass Friends, my sistahs, and high school friends. While they are some times a mismatched of personalities and backgrounds, they are the best people. They all have a story to share, an opinion, and a sense of humor. They are the best family that I have gathered. And I am thankful for each and every one of them. They sometimes don’t know what they mean to me. They welcome me, make me laugh, and as I have gotten older our bonds have strengthened. I know I am not the best at expressing what feel. But I hope they listen to me when I say, I love each and every one of you. You are the best kind of family. You are my family. You are my backbone.

It’s a good feeling knowing you have people who believe in you. I recommend anyone to surround themselves with the best people imaginable.

It's Always Darkest Before the Dawn.

You know how I told you all about the kicking and screaming? This morning I transferred the last of my savings into my checking account and had a meltdown. I’ve been working since I was sixteen, and through college and today I feel as though I have nothing to show for it. I usually don’t talk about this kind of thing but I promised myself when I made the commitment to write this blog that I was going to do the damn thing – I was going to be as open as possible.

I had this notion that was completely unrealistic. I was going to start 2014, and all my problems from 2013 would disappear. I know I am not being realistic. The problem is I just spent a full calendar year trying to keep my head afloat and I have nothing to show for it. I missed out on so many things, I’ve been a real shitty friend and to top it off all my hard work for seven years has been drained – at least that’s what it feels like. I promise I am about the shut the pity party down, just give me a moment. I try to stay up beat and positive. In fact the only few people who really have seen me struggle have been my family (because its impossible to escape me) and my best friend (Bless her for she is stuck with me). My family, while dealing with problems of their own, really has been the one to get the brunt of me being sick, home, and sad for that matter.

But the reason for the post is to explain it. I have been sad for some time and now I am ready to talk about it.

When I initially had this cyst, I didn’t think anything out of the ordinary. Oh perfect, I can take hiatus from life for two weeks. What is better than a two-week break from a dead end job? And it gave me time to recuperate from my social life. And I had just finished college, so it gave me two weeks to have all to myself. A year later, 5 surgeries, a wound Vac, and an infection later – it has been a hiatus and one far too long. Daily nurses check my vitals and change my dressing but none of them and no one has asked me about how this has affected my emotional well being. And let me tell you in two words. It sucks.

My college years were mostly filled with working full time and going to school full time. I lived at home and got through the semester by dreaming of weekends visiting my best friend away at college. I made college friends. Worked really hard for professors. Landed a few research opportunities, internships, and teaching assistantships – I worked hard because I threw myself into these two aspects of my life. I was consistently on the go and tired all the time. But I always pushed through it. Enter being 21, and I added a third piece of the puzzle – my social life. Not that I had a heavy one, but when I was out drinking, I was drinking. And I was going out five nights a week. Maybe the hiatus was what I needed to slow my roll but a whole year? Not fair. The point I am trying to illustrate is I was always a busy person. I was never home, this passed year has been new to me. And its not a new that I like, in fact, I am much happier when I feel as though I am contributing.

But I can get over the not being busy. It is this idea of not moving or growing forward that I have a hard time with. I look around and I am in the same place I was last year but with less money, and a year older. Want to talk about post-grad blues? My whole plan for graduate school has been altered. Some times I feel like I am wasting away everything I worked for. (Insert the kicking and screaming). My mother always told me when something is handed to you; you don’t want it as much. Boy, let me tell you how badly I want to be back at school – working on my Master’s/PhD. Words cant describe it. Right now, I have been focusing on finding a job that will eventually pay for it. But I always wanted to do graduate school different than my undergrad.  But I know things happen, and now I am rebuilding. Sometimes it hard to watch friends enter the beginning of their careers, graduate school, move out and move on while I am still here. Sometimes it’s just really hard to be the only one left out – brings back all those feelings of being sixteen again. Not that I had this awful experience of being sixteen, but that feeling of not really knowing where you belong. I feel as though I am trying to figure it all out and everyone else is moving on from that. That is what feels lonely. That is what makes me feel alone. That is what makes me feel like I am just kid again.  I don’t like to ask for help. And I have had to ask for help more in the past year than I think in my whole life. I am just ready to be back on my own again. I am ready to move forward in my life. I want to move forward.

I am not looking for pity from you or for you to feel bad for me because hey, we all have problems. And mine are tied to a lot of my anxieties. And I am working through it and I am moving beyond this. And I’ll be okay. But I don’t like to talk about how I am feeling a lot and I am trying to move past that. If someone can learn from what I am feeling than that is what I am trying to express. We aren’t always going to be in the same place at the same time – I understand but I am working on the constant struggle with myself. This is my journey. I just want you all to be a part of it. 

I am struggling and I am learning from it and I'll be okay.

Who Run the World? Girls.

An important topic for me that needs some introduction and some explanation before we go forward is my identification as a feminist and how it truly has changed my life. Many of the women I am surrounded by have the same political and social beliefs as me but don’t really say the “F-Word” loud and proud the way I have chosen too. Maybe it’s a lack of understanding and passion or maybe I am just the crazy one.

My famous line is, “I blame Girl Scouts”.  In fact, I don’t blame Girl Scouts, I thank them – while they have never uttered the lines, “we are a feminist organization”, many of the skills, knowledge, and leadership roles I have gain are because of this organization. They are a key part on how I developed my relationship with feminism. And while they are a part of my beliefs, a large part of me finding feminism is that I found a place where I actually belonged. I love studying race, class, ethnicity, equality, history, and politics.  Women’s Studies combined my love for studying all of those things and introduced to me theory that matched much of my own. It also allowed me to raise questions and challenge normative thinking. (Something I was lacking so very much- challenge.)

I felt like an outcast sometimes. My ideology was much different than many of my friends growing up. I was the black sheep in the family so to speak as well. Many of the things I want to do before I settle down differ from those of my friends and what my relatives would like to see. Finding feminism allowed me to believe that what I want out of my life is okay to differ of what my family wants, friends want, and society wants.

I battle with jokes and comments every day. I have some cousins on one side of the family that consistently fires comment at me every chance they get. At first it was incredibly frustrating because the fight that I am fighting is not out of selfishness, it is the exact opposite. It is the changes I want to see be made for equality of all people regardless of what you believe in. The latest comments took place on Christmas Eve. I kept my head held high and never backed down. I encourage you to challenge my thinking but I never invite you to insult me because of my thinking. They always manage to do the later – insulting that is. But I have come to use it as a tool to strengthen my views, knowledge on topics in feminism. I want to help people and change the world some day- even if it is just for one person. Feminism has given me that strength and I could never back away from that. So when I feel like my family is attacking me with the comments and jokes -  I always step back and ask myself, and what is it that they are  passionate about? What greater good are they doing? My passion and love are what drive me and that is a really beautiful thing regardless of criticism.

I can also say that it has brought me closer to many others. My close female friends share many of the same social ideologies and I liked to think they have learned a thing or too more because of the articles I might email them, topics in our conversations or simply how I voice a concern. They are just as powerful as I am. And together we have built a strong sisterhood. I hope many other women do the same. We need a stronger sisterhood to help build a society where we are not constantly pinned against each other but working in unison towards change, advocacy and education for future generations.  I’ll just go ahead and say what you are thinking – preach.

So to summarize:

Yes, I am a feminist.

No, I don’t hate men, I am not a lesbian, and I don’t think women are superior to men. I wear makeup; I eat meat, shave my art pits & legs, and won’t let my hair go grey any time soon. I call my friends bitches and whores all the time in the most loving way. I am not a hippy and I shop at Market Basket. I believe in partnerships, leadership, education, and equal opportunities regardless of sexual orientation, gender, race, and economic status. We all have a story to tell; it is time we listen to each other’s.

I promise you this was a different entry than what I hope to write about in the future but it is an important foundation piece for me.

I encourage comments! Questions! And ideas for future posts!